I'm a 22-year-old woman with a 21-year-old live-in boyfriend of 11 months. My boyfriend loves eating my ass. He goes for my ass when I wake up, after I get out of the shower, when I get home from work. At first it felt good as hell, but now it's too freaky. I can't imagine that anyone's ass tastes that good. We haven't had vaginal sex or cunnilingus for a month! I made up every excuse possible for him not to do it, but he became violent and went into a rage, accusing me of infidelity. I love him, but the whole ass thing has completely freaked me out. Should I stay or should I go?
Grossed Out In Baltimore
Smart women everywhere regard baseless accusations of infidelity—particularly ones that come packaged in violence and rage—as proof that it's time to DTMFA, GOIB.
Butt first: There's nothing wrong with a man who wants to eat a woman's ass—or toss her salad, as the straight kids say. And no, ladies, there's nothing gay about a boy sticking his tongue up a girl's butt. Like most every sex act, save solo or cyber, eating ass carries health risks—all the usual STIs, along with intestinal parasites. (It does, however, present a relatively low risk for HIV transmission.) Tossers can minimize their risks by eating only freshly showered butt and by reserving rimming, as the gay kids call it, for regular partners that you know to be in good sexual health.
Back to your boyfriend, GOIB: His thing for your ass isn't the problem. Sure, his sexual selfishness is problematic (it feels good to have your salad tossed, but not to the exclusion of all other activities), but that issue is eclipsed by your boyfriend's willingness to resort to violence in order to manipulate you sexually. That should freak you out more than the ass-eating thing. If he's flying into violent rages to get you to submit to his sexual demands, then he's an abuser and you need to DTMFA.
Dump the motherfucker already, GOIB.
These are the e-mails you love. Anonymously submitted from a public library terminal so no one can identify the sender. I have NO intention of ever coming out, but I am absolutely wild for true Asian ladyboys. (Go to Asian-TS.com to get an idea of what I'm talking about.) Are there any bars within 100 miles of Cleveland where I could meet such delicious creatures? I don't believe that you've ever written about them. I don't really want to fly to Thailand, since I could never explain that to family and friends.
I haven't written about Asian ladyboys, LL, because no one has ever asked me about Asian ladyboys. Until you—and aren't you special? And closeted? And cowardly?
If I had to guess, LL, I'd say there isn't a single "delicious" Asian ladyboy within 200 miles of Cleveland, Ohio, much less a bar full of them. For that sort of action, you will have to go to Thailand—and you don't need to come out of the closet to do that. Tell your family you caught the The King And I on cable and that you've taken a sudden interest in Thai culture. Then fly to Thailand, you big pussy, where ladyboys are thick on the ground. Hire only ladyboys of legal age, tip extravagantly, and use condoms.
Won't Dump Her For Head asked you for a special blowjob dispensation for his girlfriend on the grounds that her uncle mouth-fucked her in her formative years. (Who else can give such a waiver, by the way? That power puts you up there with the Pope!) As a straight woman who also got mouth-raped by a family member, and got past it, I think your advice was great. I also have a thought for the girlfriend in question. Blow away, tenderly and gingerly! Nibble, lick, and have fun!
If you start to freak out, remember, this guy is not your uncle. Leave the lights on and look at him, from the cock up. See, that's not your uncle! If he reminds you of your uncle, DTMFA. But if he is the caring, genuine sort of guy his letter makes him sound like, lick and slurp away. NOT as an obligation or GGG rule, but as a fun experiment in keeping your body, mind, and mouth fully in the present moment.
Converted Blowjob Lover
Thanks for the tips, CBL, and congrats on refusing to let your mouth-raping relative ruin oral sex for you forever.
Hi again, I'm the one who sent the original ITMFA/Impeach The Motherfucker Already letter. I just wanted to let you know how completely delightful I've found the reaction—I check in at ITMFA.com regularly and love all the pictures. This weekend, I saw my first live ITMFA lapel pin, worn by a friend of a friend; she said she'd bought a bunch more to give away. It made me giggle like a schoolgirl. Thanks for publicizing the idea and working so hard. It has really felt great to see pictures of all these people with similar sentiments, expressed on their person or their car (or their kid!)—and of course to have encouraged a contribution to the ACLU. Seeing the acronym spread out like this reminds me to try to keep my outrage funny. It's a kind of whetstone for the blade.
The ITMFA campaign has raised, as of this writing, $13,500—which is remarkable, considering that the most expensive things for sale at ITMFA.com are $5 lapel pins. The total cost of the buttons and pins, envelopes, and postage so far comes to $7,000 (postage is freakin' expensive—who knew?), leaving $6,500 in profit. As I never expected to raise that much money, I've decided to donate half to the ACLU, as promised, and give the other half to Ned Lamont, the man challenging U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman in the Democratic primary in Connecticut. I'm tempted to mail a check to Stephen Colbert, too, as a thank you for his performance at the White House Correspondents Association dinner. But I'm thinking Colbert makes plenty of money, so I'm gonna send him some ITMFA lapel pins in the mail instead—hell, if you could toss a man's salad through the mail, I'd do that for Colbert too.
I just read your response to Obtuse And Flummoxed, who you advised to Google first, ask questions later. Another great resource I've found is urbandictionary.com. When I didn't know what a houdini was, that's the first place I went!
Urban Dictionary has been very, very good to me over the years, and I should have mentioned it. Making matters worse, I was incorrect when I wrote that a person could find out what "CBT" stands for by Googling it. The first results when you Google CBT are cognitive-behavior therapy, computer-based training, Chicago Board of Trade, and the Cleveland Buddhist Temple. (Perhaps there are some ladyboys there, LL?) But if you enter CBT into urbandictionary.com, the correct answer pops right up: "CBT stands for 'cock and ball torture.' Torture can be inflicted by: slapping, squeezing, pinching… the testicles can stand great pain but caution should be taken." Words to live by.
BREAST MILK UPDATE: Last week, Capitalist Mom wondered if there was a market for human breast milk—and, holy cow, is there ever. Cancer patients, premature infants, and fetishists are all clamoring for human breast milk. You can read all about it by going to avclub.com/savage/breastmilk.
Got problems? Oh, yes, you do. Write firstname.lastname@example.org. Illustration by Misako Takashima (misakorocks.com)
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